Out with the old.

okay, my week? Let's just say I've been pushing my feelings and love life to the side or on hold. Considering the up and down roller coaster I've been on for almost 3 years, that drained me out completely. Life is about experiences and it is a learning process. You make mistakes and you learn from them. I guess I was stuck in that place where being single and starting over just was not the option at all. Holding on to that last thread Just to see if a miracle or something would happen. But when feelings don't seem mutual, that shit stings, burns, cuts and kills everything inside of you. then you realize it's really over. I actually had to say it my self a few times to believe it.

Case of the Ex

I hate being single...because that means I'm on the market.

Sometimes I wish that I could skip all the formalities of finding my "soul mate" and just skip to getting engaged.

I have multiple males in my life.

I recently broke up with my boyfriend which sucks but...I'm not really as heart broken as I SHOULD be (We were together for 7 months). We're still friends; we text and he called me last night. I really do try to care about him and his life. I know that I'm being EXTRA selfish because I want him to pause his life so we can be together...but I know he's around that age where he wants to establish his career before worrying about a relationship. I need attention, shit happened. He asked for a break...I wanted to break up. We'll call him Sugar. I know more is to come from this...

So in other news, I went to visit my good friend Lisette...I don't drive and her parents are strict about the time at night when she leaves the house so I was basically stranded at her place.

I started making calls to see who was willing to pick me up (mind you she lives really far) from her place...and my LAST resort was calling my ex Charles. He was already out with some friends but said he'd pick me up if I were willing to go to a train station. 

Uhm, I was ECSTATIC that he was willing to drive a pretty far distance to come and get me...and I expected him to come with his friends. He didn't. As he walked towards me I couldn't help but notice how tall and muscular he was, but I always stare at people's bodies and thought nothing of it...

He escorted me to his car, opened my door, and we got ready to go. I kept repeating "Thank you so much! You're a great friend!" and all he could say was "Yeah, you're lucky I like you."

We finally get to my house and have a long talk about his love life and mine...and I felt very uncomfortable talking about Sugar with him (details will be in another post). Anyway, we get out of the car and hug to say goodbye...and he leaned in for a kiss. I have NO clue what's going on in my mind but I went ahead and kissed him back. 


He whispered in my ear "I want you...I always did but you didn't choose me." I instantly felt a sharp sting of guilt. 

I think I opened Pandora's box and I'm afraid of what it contains...