You know what? I always yearn to feel out my quiet side, chill side, the person I once was before all this but you know what? it's gonna be awhile before I see that side again. when I do I wil balance and be whole again. :)
So lets get to the Gist:
Friday....
Morning and afternoon I didnt do much but school stuff. I didnt really think about what I was gonna do that night even tho there was alot to do and I actually had plans that I forgot about. So I went to HU ASA ball and it was cool. My lil bro won ASA King and most of Swagnation was in the building but to be honest I really needed a drink that night and it didnt look like I was getting one untill my cousin hit me up telling me that she wanted to go out. I was soo elated! she was about to save ny night! She suggested that we go to Mood Lounge then Lux lounge. Mood Lounge is always the move for friday night tho. When you get a chance come thru and you'll get to witness first hand what Shamise' goes thru sometimes. Lol you might even make my blog ;) Anywho we go to Mood but it was still kinda early so it wasn't jumping just yet. We sat up in V.I.P with 'the cool people' Lol its so high school sometimes but its cool. We left Mood to go to Lux. When we get there its tooo live! we go towards the restroom first and I see some of my peeps. I planned on chillin with them but my cousin's 'boo' was on the oposite end so we chilled with him and his friends. Guess who one of his friends are? Guess! Mr. Shy Guy himself! posted on the wall looking rather dapper if I may say so myself but I made up my mind, im not fucking with ole boy, that's, how do you say it? #DEAD!!! Anyway, walked up to him to say hi, gave him a hug and we started dancing face to face (Looked too familiar to me). So we're dancing and all and I actually notice that this niggas dick is hard. uummm get that shit from around me whole time your not my dude so stop checking for me #SupaHot. I didn't say anything but I was trying to get my cousins attention to give her the eye 'the lets get the fuck away real quick eye' but I failed mainly because she was standing behind me. wouldve been akward if I turned my head 180°. So we keep dancing and he takes the liberty of kissing my lips. WHAT THE FUCK HOMIE?! we cool but we aint that cool! shit! it blew me but I let it go, thats when I turned around, my cousin says she wants to check out the second floor. I told her what happened and she laughed! LoL I told her friend and he laughed too. it was funny, I wont lie but this guy is a real live walking paradox! so I tried to stay away, after that. he found me of course came over and kissed me again, ewww possesion! I dont like this game at all. I call the shots nigga and right now im telling you to go sit your ass down. he left me alone and when the club was over he called me over to where he was standing and tells me that he really wants yo see me the next day. I say 'Oh' then he asked me if my phone was charged O_o umm nooo come on son I have an HTC we all know how that works. but I answered no, it just died and he says ok, *pulls out one gallopi of a phone* and ask me for my number. Again?? you have it already! ttwww my dumb ass actually went ahead and gave him my number. Then he attempt to call my phone, TF! ummm my phone is dead dumb ass. after dialing my math he now 'gives me permission' to go back to where my cousin was standing. YUCK! crossing lines nigga, crossing lines!!!! anywho I go back and one of the DJs ive promoted for calls me over to run some ideas by me mean while his friends are trying to talk to me. twww. I just took their numbers down for networking purposes. we leave, and this guy walks up to the car trying to holla. YUCK! My friday night ended without liq in my sys! :(
Saturday....
Nothing! thats right I went no where. I was about to go to a house party but gals fell asleep. oh wellz
Sunday....
was the BEST of my weekend! Most fun ive had in months! we got so fucking drunk I came home and handle biz on my own ;) LOL and accomplished twice! if you catch my drift....LOL
Presently....
im loving life, wI see a lot coming my way. Mostly good :)....you know what I learned today? I might be late, but I learned that with every living day you have to take another step towards bettering yourself. Realize who you are and what your made of and that alone will make you more beautiful than you already are. Today, I realized that im capable of doing things I never really thought were my forte' but ill try to pursue them. See I like to have stories to tell my children (one day of course)
alright loves...chow chow
Be Blessed and be a blessing
Peace and Love :)
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
...to be relieved of pressure or discharged by means of a VENT.
I wrote this on February 17, 2010. I stumbled upon it today and I was in shock because I somewhat feel the same way I felt almost a year ago. :-/
Im my 19 yrs of living I feel like ive been through so much, and its true i have. Ive learned so much, and ive lost so much. I havnt quite learned the whole meaning of life as yet or understand the way it works, but im trying. Im tired, im so tired, im tired of everyones bs, im tired of being stressed out frustrated and angry about the things people do to me, im tired of trying to please ppl, im tired of loosing ppl in my life, im tired of fake people, im tired of trying to live up to what you want me to be, im tired of not knowing what i want to do with my life, im tired of people not caring, im tired of caring so much and then having it thrown back in my face, im tired of not knowing how to trust, im tired of not having anyone to trust, im tired of trusting people then having them stab me in the heart, im tired of people labeling me and telling me im this and im that, im tired of being blamed for the wrong things other "people" do,im so tired of being tired, if im that bad of a person why dont you just leave me alone. You say im mean, yu say im rude, you say im disrespectful, you say i dont care(But when i did, it always seemed like i was the one that did, & ended up getting a slap in the face)you say this you say that...and i sit and wonder why i am the way i am and honestly i really dont know.
Sometimes i feel like the way I am is because of the people i let in my life, but i cant blame other people for my behavior, its not right. I allowed myself to get this way. I miss the old me, the nice me, the caring me, the silly me, where did that girl go? && how can i get her back to better her? Will i ever find her? Do i even want to find her? All these thoughts run through my mind and i dont even do anything to change them, i should, but i dont. So what to do now? Stay in this rut im in? Or keep pushing my self to be better, not only for me but for the people around me. In this world that we live in now i know it gonna be hard, but im gonna keep pushing. I mean really who am I to complain, im pretty sure theres a lot of other people in this world that have it worse than me...so why complain.
I wish life could just slow down, i feel like everything is moving so fast && it is. I will forever believe that everything happens for a reason, and everything is just for a season. Sometimes i wish i wasnt such a hypocrite, i mean i say im a christian but i dont act like it at all...shame on me, i know. I feel like if i just get right with God everything would be fine, not saying im not going to have some hard times, i will, but only because it would make me stronger and plus God wouldnt give me anything i couldnt handle.
To be continued
Im my 19 yrs of living I feel like ive been through so much, and its true i have. Ive learned so much, and ive lost so much. I havnt quite learned the whole meaning of life as yet or understand the way it works, but im trying. Im tired, im so tired, im tired of everyones bs, im tired of being stressed out frustrated and angry about the things people do to me, im tired of trying to please ppl, im tired of loosing ppl in my life, im tired of fake people, im tired of trying to live up to what you want me to be, im tired of not knowing what i want to do with my life, im tired of people not caring, im tired of caring so much and then having it thrown back in my face, im tired of not knowing how to trust, im tired of not having anyone to trust, im tired of trusting people then having them stab me in the heart, im tired of people labeling me and telling me im this and im that, im tired of being blamed for the wrong things other "people" do,im so tired of being tired, if im that bad of a person why dont you just leave me alone. You say im mean, yu say im rude, you say im disrespectful, you say i dont care(But when i did, it always seemed like i was the one that did, & ended up getting a slap in the face)you say this you say that...and i sit and wonder why i am the way i am and honestly i really dont know.
Sometimes i feel like the way I am is because of the people i let in my life, but i cant blame other people for my behavior, its not right. I allowed myself to get this way. I miss the old me, the nice me, the caring me, the silly me, where did that girl go? && how can i get her back to better her? Will i ever find her? Do i even want to find her? All these thoughts run through my mind and i dont even do anything to change them, i should, but i dont. So what to do now? Stay in this rut im in? Or keep pushing my self to be better, not only for me but for the people around me. In this world that we live in now i know it gonna be hard, but im gonna keep pushing. I mean really who am I to complain, im pretty sure theres a lot of other people in this world that have it worse than me...so why complain.
I wish life could just slow down, i feel like everything is moving so fast && it is. I will forever believe that everything happens for a reason, and everything is just for a season. Sometimes i wish i wasnt such a hypocrite, i mean i say im a christian but i dont act like it at all...shame on me, i know. I feel like if i just get right with God everything would be fine, not saying im not going to have some hard times, i will, but only because it would make me stronger and plus God wouldnt give me anything i couldnt handle.
To be continued
Take a walk in my shoes...
I'm sure you wouldn't want to do it again...
Everyone is familiar with the popular saying "Forgive and forget". I personally don't believe its true. I'd rather go with "Forgive and learn" No one will ever forget when someone did them wrong, they may try to but it never works. Its easier to forgive them and learn from what they did.
With that being said,If I've forgiven everybody that hurt me why do I still find it hard to trust people or open up? I've been hurt so many times that I cant even count on one hand. From family members, to close friends, boyfriends..etc. I feel like I let their actions mold me into the person I am right now. As crazy as that sounds its true. I've become a very emotional,angry,unhappy, bitter person. I don't want to continue living my life like this. I thought I let all of these things go but I haven't. I locked them up in a box and refuse to open it back up, but what will happen if I decide to? I'm fed up with my own self, I want to change, but (smh, there's always a "but") I like parts of the person I've become. I grew a back bone. I stopped allowing people to walk all over me, and I learned how to speak up for myself. In order for me to better myself I have to dig deeper and find the root of my problems. If I ever get married and have children I don't want this weight on my heart that wont allow me to fully trust and love my them. Just the thought of that is scary. So, for my future I have to change.
Now tell me, how was your walk?!
Everyone is familiar with the popular saying "Forgive and forget". I personally don't believe its true. I'd rather go with "Forgive and learn" No one will ever forget when someone did them wrong, they may try to but it never works. Its easier to forgive them and learn from what they did.
With that being said,If I've forgiven everybody that hurt me why do I still find it hard to trust people or open up? I've been hurt so many times that I cant even count on one hand. From family members, to close friends, boyfriends..etc. I feel like I let their actions mold me into the person I am right now. As crazy as that sounds its true. I've become a very emotional,angry,unhappy, bitter person. I don't want to continue living my life like this. I thought I let all of these things go but I haven't. I locked them up in a box and refuse to open it back up, but what will happen if I decide to? I'm fed up with my own self, I want to change, but (smh, there's always a "but") I like parts of the person I've become. I grew a back bone. I stopped allowing people to walk all over me, and I learned how to speak up for myself. In order for me to better myself I have to dig deeper and find the root of my problems. If I ever get married and have children I don't want this weight on my heart that wont allow me to fully trust and love my them. Just the thought of that is scary. So, for my future I have to change.
Now tell me, how was your walk?!
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